It’s a cliff overlooking a valley, it’s supposed to be peaceful. So many things are and yet they’re not.

So many ghosts in so little space, clawing up from the dust she thinks she might go mad Thinks she is mad. She thinks it was a mistake to come mistake to leave, to run that she doesn’t belong here don’t belong anywhere.

So many Samanthas make so many mistakes.

She drops to her knees and curls hands into the hot, arid dirt of Serenity Valley to read the stories bled into it. Fear, pain, screams, drowning in blood, death’s escape not fast enough, never fast enough

She knows everything, suspects some of all the rest and knows the ways this might go has gone. Some worlds, she gets up and keeps walking until the rocks bring her rest. Some she never comes here at all, stays and makes their mission her own, everyone bleeds and dies.

Shutting it out, she takes a breath. Those aren’t this one, this one she likes. This one, she lifts her eyes to the horizon and sees his face.

“Mal.”

*

She only really remembers the tests. Sometimes she remembers playing “Go”, sees Fox frustrated when she loses and she catches him trying to cheat, but that hurts so she forgets it again.

They changed her down deep. Samantha’s not sure how. Couldn’t find the answer, not in their heads, they don’t know either but she knows when. Her father handed her over, chose between his children, and the Alliance swallowed her whole.

*

She can see everything. They open her head like a melon, pour all that is and all that was in like hot oil that sears her skin. She’s too young, can’t control it, can’t block it out and all she knows is the pain and ohgod ohplease,makeitstopmakeitstop, Mal. Please, please, make it stop!

They drug her when she tries clawing out her eyes. Months deep in the black until she learns to build the wall around her mind. Brick by brick, like the Great Wall on Earth-that-was. Snaking it around and around in her mind ‘til nothing in the ‘verse can reach in, only she can reach out.

She reaches when they don’t see, can’t see. She finds Fox sees him ache, sees him search, railing against their father and she’s at peace. Their father handed her over but he’s kept his word and her brother’s safe. She thinks she can bear this if only for that and sits in the comfort that, soon, Fox will find her and she’ll be free.

She’ll bide her time and then she’ll make them pay.

She has Mal to sit a spell with her after all.

He’s the first thing she knows after she comes out of the dark. He’s never that far, she closes her eyes and she’s with him; safe with Serenity’s walls around her, the black beyond that. Safe wrapped up in Mal, moving over her in her like a secret none can share and whispering secrets of her own to her flesh.

When she’s young, it makes her blush; when she’s ready it makes her burn.

*

She sees him march into Serenity Valley. The doctors make her watch. They make her do so many things but they can’t make her do what they want. She knows what it is truly, what they want her to be and she won’t. Death, dying, her dragon unleashed and set wild on the ‘verse. So much blood.

Samantha refuses, warns them dragons are wild. Can’t be contained. Rend them all to ribbons.

They have their ships, let them rain down fire. She and her dragon will sleep and slumber. Everyone’s safe while they do.

She finds Mal in the dark, slips into his thoughts and follows them back down into his soul where she’s safe. She can hide there from the screams, the blood, and the rage that calls to the beast she shelters in her breast.

Then she feels it, sees the ships through his eyes and when Mal’s light dies, Samantha thinks maybe she might die too.

She doesn’t.

It’s still not yet time.

*

Fox finds her, she knew he would. She smiles, laughs, hugs him close.

Then she makes him go. Doesn’t give him a choice, just slips into his mind and makes him. She needs to walk the ‘verse for a while and where she’s going – she can’t let him follow.

*

Persphone’s alive, not cold and sanitized like core worlds. Here there’s dirt under her feet and she walks barefoot to feel the life thrumming through it. She laughs too much, says too little, and thrills to a life that’s not the academy. She lives quietly in their midst, tries to think who Samantha should be.

She learns from the people of Persephone like she learned from the doctors at the academy. Steals bits and pieces from their minds copies, leaves them their souls and builds herself up.

Samantha knows, saw it in Fox’s thoughts, she was born Sihnon. Raised up in a home of wealth and splendor, all lies and laughter.

Nothing real.

Here’s real. There’s colour, sound, messiness everywhere she looks. They don’t know what it is to live lies. They’re blind to the life that the Alliance wants them to live and, Samantha thinks, for a while she can be blind too.

*

It's easy to let Persephone become home. On Persephone she finds Samantha again, the Samantha she's always wanted to be, the one she shoved down deep in herself where they couldn't find it can't reach out in the black, too far, too vast. It feels good to let that Samantha out, she finds a job servin' folks who come in to eat and laughs with some, smacks the wandering hands of others. She's just waiting, killing time Mal, Serenity, they still call and soon she'll go and she likes it. The whole of the 'verse still comes knocking at her mind's door, she's just stopped answering.

*

She wakes in the night, another's screams on her lips and she knows. Samantha presses the worn cotton sheet to herself, hugging close, and turns on her side.

Her mind reaching out beyond her wall and back, back to then, she soothes, Hush little River, I promise the day will come.

*

Samantha learns the Independents songs, hums them when she works. She keeps low and to herself, avoiding too much time with the others. Can't let them close. If there's more like her, contact means they'll see and they'll know.

She goes back to waiting, sleeping each night with the promise bright in her mind and the songs resting easy on her lips.

All empires fall, the Alliance is no different. She smiles and sings.

Soon.

*

Badger is an awful little man, pinches her when she brings his breakfast. She stomps on his foot, grins when he swears the air blue but that's all she does. It's in her mind, she knows how easy it could be to make him just scream, cry, sob, beg stop but she walks away.

She's done what she needs, played with his thoughts touched the dark places of his mind and made things right.

He's ready now.

*

Time's a tricky thing to follow, always hard to remember days become weeks, weeks, become months. It seems like no time at all when Mal walks through the door with Zoe at his side. She pours them coffee and politely asks if they want breakfast.

Zoe nods, asks for eggs. Mal takes a moment, sizing her up and she holds back a laugh at the wary look in his eyes. Times come when she forgets everyone doesn't know the tale, can't see the end like she does. He's stuck reading page by page and she can't just skip on ahead even though she knows how it ends.

She can see it in her mind the dragon stirs, rises and screams sound out but she gives no sign. It's not time to explain any of that yet. That's days, months, hours years away and she must have patience.

Samantha's never been very good with patience even though it's all she's ever had.

She brings them breakfast, more than they'd asked for but she knows when last they ate like this. Besides, it's on Badger and she tells them so with a wicked grin.

Mal smirks. "Seems you don't like him much."

"Course not," she echoes back in the same diction, "Met him haven't I?"

He chuckles, Zoe grins. It feels like then more than now. She almost hates to do it but she needs to. When they leave, she catches Mal by the arm, fingers light on his sleeve. "Patience's goin' to shoot you when you go." His eyes widen, her gaze softens. "Second verse same as the first," she warns. "You never listen." He won't next time either, it's his way.

Thoughts run wild in his head, she pulls back and lets him have the privacy his face says he needs. "All things in their time, Malcolm Reynolds," she explains, stepping back and turning away.

She walks off, humming one of her songs.

*

Mal finds her and this time catches her by the sleeve. He wants to grab her, she knows that. Samantha can see all the emotions storming beneath the surface but she's not afraid. Never with Mal. She just slips free, as insubstantial as a ghost then leads him out the door. This is not a conversation best had in front of the customers.

It's difficult for him but he holds his silence 'til they're away from town and safe from eavesdropping. "How'd you know that woman was fixin' to shoot me?" He demands, rounding on her with a perplexed look.

She smiles, wants to laugh and can't help teasing, "Everyone shoots you sooner or later. Just Patience's turn is all."

He grimaces. "Not much point in denyin' that one, got a habit of putting people in a frame of mind to introduce me to bullets."

"So you do," she affirms, hugs herself and looks away. Mal getting shot's featured too many times in her mind.

"Still," he insists. "As true as it is, lady such as yourself all new and unknown and all...shouldn't have been in a way to know that."

Samantha lets out a wry laugh. "I've got a way of knowing some of everything you can know, most of all the rest." She looks back at the town then at him, squints in the morning sun. "Alliance's left more victims than you'll ever rightly know, Sergeant," she chooses the title deliberately and watches his face harden. "Maybe I'm just another one."

*

She doesn't tell him everything. Truth is, she's not sure how. Easier to just dump it in his head, let him see for himself but she can't. Too much of the dark already in there and all she knows would bury him alive. She doles out bits and pieces, hints and half-truths.

He comes in with a smile, leaves with a hint of a frown but always comes back again.

*

"Badger's lyin' to you," she tells him one morning, watching him lean on the counter to watch her work.

"Badger's always lyin' to me, man's right ignorant about those sorts of things." Mal shrugs. "As much as shootin' him would feel mighty pleasant, there is the small matter of work."

Samantha laughs and puts coffee in front of him. "So just shoot him a little, same as cutting a switch but with more screaming." She smiles brightly and goes to wipe down a table. It's a losing battle, dust on Persephone's thick enough to grow crops but she likes the motion.

"Woman, you've got an awful mind," he chuckles. "You ever think to use it for something other than partnering up with that tongue?"

She slys a grin at him. "I'd make an awful Companion, too much tendency toward foul language and uncouth behaviors. Unless, course, punching out clients is the proper way of greeting?"

"If not then it damn well should be," Mal grins, swivelling to watch her work. He's comfortable with her now, better than he was and she almost blushes at the stray thought she catches. Almost, 'cept for where she's thinking the same thing. "But you're right, you'd make an awful Companion," he agrees. "Too much spirit, they tend to frown on those sorts of things."

She slips past him behind the bar, smiles when he tilts his head to watch her bend over. "Well you're not complaining much I see."

"Me? Lord no," he winks. "Woman's got no spirit, she's not liable to be much in the way of fun."

Samantha looks over her shoulder, catches the look in his eye and this time she does blush. "All right then, Captain, if I'm no Companion then what praytell should I be? A criminal mastermind?" She knows what she's going to be screams, pain, and so much terror and she thinks she knows what he's going to say. It's more fun, she finds, to let him tell her.

It's new to be surprised and she likes it.

"Why not?" He waves the tin cup her way, she fills it again and grins. The old man that runs the place'll have her hide he catches her giving away coffee but Samantha's willing to risk it. She fills it up. "Already stealin' coffee for me," he points out. "Maybe expand to something a little more impressive." His grin returns and she watches him wear it a spell. He doesn't do that near enough. "Maybe some breakfast?"

She rolls her eyes and leans on the counter. "Easier to grind coffee than brave those chickens." She looks solemn. "They're quick on the pecking."

He reaches out to tug on a stray curl. "You really running from the Alliance, it's not good to stay in one place too long."

She nods at the quiet reminder. "I don't intend to."

Almost.

*

She knows Badger's on the way before he comes in by the chill that goes up her neck. She knows what he's come for and it's not the fresh bao.

Samantha turns to face him, waving old Shen from the room with murmured assurances. She's been expecting this for years, might as well get it over and done with now. "We're closing," she tells him, knows that it doesn't matter. She watches his men flank the door and holds back a sigh.

Silly little men and their silly little toys. Too easy, blood slick on their skin, pain bleeding them dry.

"Now luv," Badger grins toothily, she leans back to avoid the smell. Smoke. Cigarettes. Her stomach clenches with the realization. She missed that. Always misses him, their fault. Always their fault. Blinding her sometimes. "Sharp little thing like you, should know better than to think we're here to eat."

"No, you're not," she agrees. "Here because of him." Fear makes her slip, makes the edge hard to walk and her balance wavers. "Silly little man chased by shadows in the dark..." She frowns tight and brittle. "Shouldn't touch things you don't understand...Badgers shouldn't come out of their hole when the wolves are at play."

He's here, on this planet and she wants to run but she can't. It's too late and she freezes. Mal was right. She thought, she always thinks. Too much time, not enough time, too difficult to be sure.

She always forgets. Never enough time. The scent of his tobacco is on the air and there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. "How much?" She asks, voice faint.

Badger grins. "Ask me? More than you're worth but some old wángbadàn thinks otherwise and I'm not arguin' with more credits. Specially not when it rids me of you and gives our friend Mal another tale of woe to share with the 'verse." He grabs for her arm, she jerks out of his reach. "Oh come on now, right aren't I? You two spendin' an awful lot of time together when he's planetside. Man's not fond of havin' dirt under his shoes but he's been makin' habit of it lately."

It takes digging her nails deep in her palms, gritting her teeth and closing her eyes to keep from burning his eyes out of his head. The things she sees in his mind, images and sounds, and thoughts - her stomach roils and she just wishes make him beg, plead, scream but she stops herself again.

Straightening up, she narrows her gaze. "Bùyàolian de dongxi." Her voice is calmer than she feels but she's not surprised by the reaction.

His hand striking her flesh is strangely invigorating and she laughs when he growls, "Húli jing!"

"You should be so lucky," she announces, understanding where her bravado comes from.

"Strikin' a lady, Badger?" Mal saunters in with Jayne and Zoe at the ready and Samantha wants to laugh with the relief of it. "Wish I could say I thought it better of you but, well, it is you. Not much you won't stoop to if the coin's right."

"You know what she's worth?" Badger demands. "Know what someone's willin' to pay to get their hands on her? Some kinda runaway that one. Mental patient."

"Know she must be crazy to want to live here," Jayne mutters, looking around in distaste before blinking in surprise. "Is that bao?"

"Day old," Samantha can't help warn. "Made this morning."

"Doesn't bother Jayne none," Mal assures. "It ain't slitherin' off the plate to say hello, he's liable to eat it." Samantha laughs and he reaches out, touching the mark forming on her cheek. "You all right?"

She nods. "Feeling foolish...you were right. Stayed too long." A tiny smile toys at her lips as she adds, "Think there's a way off this rock?"

"Might be one or two," he looks over at Badger. "There is the matter of him."

Samantha smirks, thinks. "No matter at all."

*

True to form, Badger doesn't remember a thing. He does, however, have nightmares for a month.

Serves him right.

*

Mal doesn't ask what happened to her after that. Any questions he has, her nightmares answer for her when she wakes the whole gorram ship with her screaming.

It surprises her when Wash sits down across the table one day and slides a plate her way. "Not right," he murmurs with a little grin and a tilt of his head, "you makin' all that noise at night for no good reason, leastwise the captain can do is be responsible for some of it. I can offer him tips if you'd like, old married man like me might be able to help a little with you kids. Though, being an old married man like me, I probably should point out the living in sin angle but…well," he winks, "remember how fun that was myself so can hardly be making judgments now can I?"

She laughs and thanks him for the food before slyly adding, "If you want to offer him some advice, let me know where first? The look on his face should be well worth the bullet he plants in you."

"Well, yes, I imagine that it would be." Wash agrees. "And then, of course, Zoe would likely be all cranky and shoot him and…" He gives her a look of feigned shock. "That's what this is, right? You and my wife have cooked up a dastardly plot to take over the ship and go into business for yourselves. Is this a lesbian space pirate plot?"

Samantha nearly chokes, tears coming to her eyes as she struggles to swallow the food around her laughter. "Gorram it, Wash!" She protests with a wave of her hand.

"Wash, you torturin' that girl again?" Mal asks, passing them by for the coffee.

"Only a little, it's been a while since I did and besides, I think she and Zoe are fixin' to off us both." Wash answers deadpan. "They're lesbian space pirates."

"Always thought there were something to those two didn't quite fit with what they were sayin'," Mal throws a leg over the seat and straddles it, stealing a bite from Samantha's plate. "Least promise me you're not going to sell the ship at a loss."

"Oh never," she promises solemnly before adding, "We wouldn't even get half of what she's worth. Besides, what are pirates without a ship?"

"Right logical woman you've got there, Cap'n," Wash decides.

"It's why we don't stand a chance," Mal affirms. "Might as well just give in and accept the inevitable, they may keep us on as nubile cabin boys."

"I"d make a good cabin boy," Wash agrees as Samantha gives up any hope of coherency and presses a hand to her mouth, trying to stifle her laughter. She can't ever remember a time that she laughed like this and it feels good, cleansing, washing away all the dark, all the foul. "Any chance you might just be bisexual space pirates?"

*

Samantha thinks its probably Wash's fault she dreams about her and Zoe being pirates every night for weeks after.

But she doesn’t wake up screaming either.

*

Life on Serenity is…serenity. She can't quite explain the change that steals over her but she feels settled in space. No one can find her, always on the move, free from them for once. The images come less, the dreams less turbulent, and her thoughts are her own. Samantha gets to walk in Samantha's shoes for a spell and it’s tempting to forget what's coming make them suffer, make them pay; if not justice then vengeance is fine. She almost does.

Time is hard to follow out in the black, she’s never been good with it anyway and when she stands over the Tams, meets Mal’s eyes, and smiles sad.

"I forgot."

*

River calms when she’s near and Samantha stands at her side, stroking her hair, when the girl looks up and says.

"I didn't."

 

Disclaimer Goes Here

 

Feedback is Welcome!

Email Medie
Comment on LJ